


Dammit, I'm A Doctor Not A...

by Snarky_Muffins



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Attempt at Humor, Drabble Collection, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, I'm A Doctor Not A, Jim/Leonard friendship, Leonard is just a doctor, M/M, Made Up Planets, Matchmaking, No Sex, Nurse Caitlyn, Other random, Sadness, at points, characters, custodian, irritated!McCoy, made up plants, spirk, thing Bones is not, totally made up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-31 22:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snarky_Muffins/pseuds/Snarky_Muffins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doctor Leonard McCoy of the U.S.S Enterprise is one thing and one thing alone (besides being a dad, an ex-husband, and one of the only people who can stand Captain Kirk) and that is being the goddamn CMO, a successful doctor from the South.<br/>Also titled: Times Doctor McCoy Said He Was A Doctor But Was Treated Like Something Else (such as a custodian, matchmaker, bricklayer, babysitter, Captain, teacher, feminist, singer, dancer, professional poker player, bomb defuser, director, author, mother, chef, and the list goes on and on and on...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Custodian

**Author's Note:**

> So, it is a well known fact the Leonard is a doctor, not a bricklayer or esculator. Well, this fic is going to be a collection of drabbles more or less of times Doctor McCoy has said 'Dammit, I'm A Doctor Not A...'. Hopefully some of it will he humorous, some might be a little sadder, some might be downright confusing and others might be boring. I own nothing Star Trek besides an autograph and a halloween costume, and this work in unbetaed.

Custodian

Jim was babbling on about something, his mouth running a mile a minute, yellow uniform shirt slightly bunched up, and hands gesturing crazily as Leonard McCoy shuffled around his mostly empty Sickbay.  
“And then, Bones, I swear to god, this armada of Kling-On’s just appeared out of nowhere…” He continued to trail on and on, unaware of his friend’s blatant detachment. Leonard, in a sour attempt not to hurt the poor saps feelings, grunted or said the occasional ‘wow’. Honestly, Jim was making his already itching skin crawl. Irritation fluttered and buzzed through his stomach and tingled in the tips of his fingers. He was here, at 2300 hours, and still awake, for some reason, with only about one nurse, Nurse Caitlyn, was still hanging around for the nightshift. McBenga was off lurking somewhere in the dark recesses of Sickbay, the only patient –who had a longer than usual bloody nose and disconcerting iron count- had been released from Sickbay at about 1500 hours. Leonard had really hung around for the past several hours so he could record in his log, with lying, that he stayed at Sickbay until the official end of his shift.  
“So Spock was like ‘and that is highly illogical’, and Chekov said something about Russian girls, and Uhura said that I really should put the apple down and focus…” Jim laughed at his own statement and Leonard offered a dry, get-the-hint-please chuckle. Jim didn’t get the hint. Unsurprisingly.  
Leonard grabbed his small bag that had his PADD in it off of the biobed and headed for the doors, Jim trailing behind still telling his Bridge story. It was then that Nurse Caitlyn decided to intersect his path, an apologetic smile on her face.  
“What?” Leonard snapped tiredly, noticing that Jim didn’t even falter although he seemed to become increasingly aware that he was only talking to himself and thin air.  
“Doctor, I have to go down to the Botany Lab and take a quick note of the Tufo Plant we discovered on Talos 4. The liquid it’s secreting could be beneficial for cures to future epidemics.” She explained, voice hushed and rushed.  
“Yes, Nurse, I’m aware of your studies on the Tufo” –Leonard snorted- “Plant. I don’t need a back story. What is it?”  
“Well, Doctor, I really need to take those notes at specific times and this happens to be one of those times, but someone needs to be present at Sickbay at all times, and the biobeds still need to be washed down, hypos restocked, shelves washed, floors cleaned and such. Doctor, if it wouldn’t be much trouble could you…?” She glanced at him hopefully, but Leonard only glared, really against where this was going.  
“Clean up the Sickbay? Do a nurse’s job? Well, why the hell not? I do everyone else’s job around here anyway, why not add one more? Sure, go have fun down in your lab, give Sulu my regards, and let me clean this up. Go on! Not that I’m going to ask just what the fuck you’ve been doing for the past two hours, because it doesn’t really matter, now does it Ms. Caitlyn?” Leonard snapped, face pooling with blood. Caitlyn reeled after his outburst, cheeks flushing a violent scarlet.  
“Thank-you sir. I hadn’t found time…to clean up I mean. I was filing down Ensign Conner’s Sickbay visit. Low iron count and all.” She swallowed heavily, Jim continued chatting, oblivious, and Leonard scowled at the both of them, eyes hurting from being held open for so long.  
“Go, Nurse.” He shooed her away and watched as she didn’t need to be told twice. She scurried away, doors swishing shut. “Can’t fucking believe it. I do everything –everything Jim!- around here and I have to be not just the doctor and nurse but the janitor too.”  
“Calm down Bones. So, you have to wash down a few beds and clean the floors. No biggy.” Jim gave a crooked smile as his story seemed to wrap up prematurely. Leonard turned his heated, but weary, gaze on his more vibrant younger friend and captain.  
“No ‘biggy’ eh? Here then,” Leonard thrust the clean chemicals off of the shelves as Jim who struggled to hold them all in his folded arms. “You clean up. I have food to replicate.” He grumbled the last part and stalked away, leaving a very much shocked Jim in his wake.  
“But Bones, I’m the Captain!” He called after the old, Georgian doctor. Leonard only smirked.  
“Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a custodian!” With that he whisked himself out of the Sickbay, chuckled to himself at the shocked look plastered pricelessly to Jim’s face, blond hair askew, and went to his quarters. Exhaustion clung to his bones and joints, causing him to forego interests in replicator food in favor of changing into Starfleet issue sleep wear and crawling under the red blanket.


	2. Babysitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Second one is up. So, I planned on posting a lot yesterday, but my friend had a loss in her family and she was really upset, so I was comforting her. So, I'm sorry about that, but outside life does come first. Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this one. This is part 1, and there will probably two or three more parts after this. I do not own Star Trek, this work is unbetaed, but I skimmed it. Warnings include swearing and brief underage drinking (Yeah, I know...)

Baby Sitter Part 1

“Fuck…” Leonard breathed as his entire body stiffened. He liked to refrain from using profanities in front of ladies, but it seemed by the pale and shocked look on Uhura’s face that he put to words her emotion.   
“What the hell, Scotty?” Leonard slowly drew his eyes from the horrific things on the transporter pads to the bewildered engineer. Scotty’s fingers flew over the console frantically as he searched for a malfunction, hopefully one that was easily fixable.  
“Imma, not sure.” He mumbled as he shot a quick glance at the transporter. His face paled, even more so than Uhura’s. “There musta be bug somewhere…” Leonard waved him off and swallowed thickly before gesturing to Uhura.  
“How can, ah, you explain this?” He asked quietly.  
“It would appear that our superiors have been…miniaturized, Doctor.” She answered plainly. Leonard squeaked. So, it wasn’t just his imagination then.   
“So it seems.” He whispered. On the transporter pads, Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock were, in fact, miniaturized. They were both passed out, looked no older than the age of maybe five, and drowning in a sea of too big gold, blue, and black clothing and boots. Jim was laying face down, one leg crossed over the other and head resting on his forearm. Spock was by his feet, laying rather peacefully on his side, arm stretched out above his head so his fingers brushed Jim’s calf, and knees bent to his waist. It would’ve been adorable if it hadn’t been so utterly terrible.   
“I’m needed on the Bridge.” Uhura explained quickly, giving Leonard and apologetic smile as she took her leave. Scotty looked once more at the adults-made-toddlers and chuckled.   
“Aye, I need to get down to engineering, see if I can’t find our solution to our wee problem.” He dashed out of the transporter room, leaving a very disgruntled, shocked, irritated Doctor with two presumably unconscious five year old Starfleet officers.  
Leonard walked slowly forward, cursing his life and wishing that he got to spend more time with Joanna when she was this age. He would’ve been prepared if he had. As he knelt by Jim’s head, he wondered where he was going to get toddler sized clothing and diapers. He was pretty sure that a Starship didn’t come equipped with that.   
“Alright, Jimmy, I’m just gonna scoop you up now…” Grimacing, Leonard rolled Jim lightly onto his side. Fortunately, the clothes continued to cover his body. Unfortunately, the movement jostled the Captain awake. He rubbed his eyes with pudgy fist and took a quick scope of his surrounded. Confusion instantly clouded his eyes before he glanced up to the hard eyes of Doctor McCoy.   
“Who are yo-“ Jim began in a loud, booming voice, for a five year old. Leonard instantly clasped his hand over Jim’s mouth and managed to look worriedly over at Spock, praying that the little hobgoblin didn’t wake up. Luckily, Spock remained asleep, or unconscious.   
“Quiet.” Leonard hissed. After a vigorous nod from his Captain, the Doctor slowly withdrew his hand.   
“Where am I? Who are you? This place is so…cool.” Jim breathed as he fought to get to his feet, eyes wide.   
“My name is Leonard McCoy, I’m a doctor.” He sighed, cursing the fact that Jim didn’t remember anything. His mindset and body was that of a five year old. “You…um…your mom left you with me.” Jim stared at him for a second, hard.  
“The last thing I remember is going to sleep after eating dinner, a normal day.”  
“Your mom had to go off-planet on an emergency and Frank…his sister died and he needed to go. Your mom left you with me. She and I are old friend. We’re on a Starship right now.” Leonard hurried to explain.  
“Uh-huh…why am I naked?” Jim blushed and buried himself deeper in the pool of clothing.  
“Um…a malfunction in the system enlarged your clothes.” Leonard flailed pathetically. Fortunately, Jim didn’t press the matter. He got a half-assed explaination that seemed legitimate in his five year old mind and right now, he was too busy being entranced in the flashing consoles.   
“Okay.” Jim said as he stood, using his command shirt as a dress. He wrapped it around his tiny, thin body and walked on bare feet down the steps. He wandered over to the console and stood on his tip-toes to see the beeping buttons and flashing lights. Leonard gathered Jim’s boots and pants in his arms and rocked back onto his heels, frowning slightly.   
“Hey, Jim, c’mere.” Leonard called out softly, doing an admiral job of keep his temper in check, especially when Jim blatantly ignored him. The toddler began to head towards the door and Leonard cursed under his breath at the snot nosed brat. “Get back here!” He screamed in a whisper voice. He stood and walked swiftly over to the mulish child. With increasing loud protests coming from the deaged Captain, Leonard was forced to clamp the kid’s mouth shut as he scooped him into his arms. Jim desperately kept the makeshift dress around him as he flailed in the Doctor’s arms. Leonard let him wear himself out before heading towards the other toddlers still on the transporter pad, eyes squeezed tightly shut.  
Balancing Jim in the crook of one arm, Leonard bent down and managed to wrap Spock’s command shirt around him before he pulled him up, protecting the Vulcan’s modesty.   
Spock, surprisingly, didn’t make a sound as he was cradled against Leonard’s chest, his glossy black cap of hair tucked under the Doctor’s chin, Leonard’s arm being a makeshift chair, and his arm flung over Leonard’s shoulder. Jim, being much more difficult, was half thrown over Leonard’s other shoulder; his feet being supported by the CMO’s arm and his tiny hands fisted the back of Leonard’s shirt.  
“Who’s that?” Jim asked as he looked at Spock. Leonard rolled his eyes.  
“Shut-up, Jim.” Leonard scolded as he carried them out of the transporter room.   
~  
It didn’t take long to get to Sickbay from the transporter room, and luckily, they didn’t meet too many officers on the way, and the ones they did meet didn’t even glance their way. Leonard wasn’t sure if that should worry him  
Once in Sickbay, he wrangled with Jim who was struggling to get down and look at everything. In the process, he nearly dropped Spock, knocked over a beaker of some kind of alien acid or the other, and bumped into Christine Chapel.  
“Doctor, do you need any…help?” She asked timidly. Leonard glared at her.  
“If you wouldn’t mind, Nurse.” He growled. She smiled apologetically and Leonard shifted the tiny Mister Spock into her arms. She expertly bounced him up and down before laying him on a biobed and arranging his shirt around him so it covered him better.  
Leonard managed to hook his arm around Jim’s waist as the toddler slipped from his grasp. He pulled the kicking and nearly screaming Captain to his chest and grabbed both of his ankles. Unfortunately, all the ruckus awakened Spock, whose dark brown eyes fluttered open. Leonard cursed his life and he watched the tiny Vulcan take stock of his surroundings. But, the obdurate Vulcan did not unleash a torrent of questions, he did not start to scream or cry, and he didn’t move a muscle.   
Leonard gathered the surrendering Jim back into his arms, waiting for Spock to react. Christine sat on the edge of the biobed next to him and watched him slowly stir. Leonard swore that a flash of fear flashed through his eyes before any emotions were washed from his face completely.  
“May I inquire as to where I am?” Spock asked politely and fluently. Leonard found it odd, and slightly scary that a five year old was talking like that.  
“Um…” Christine looked over at Leonard and bit her lip. Leonard glanced over at Spock.  
“School field trip.” He offered plaintively. Spock raised his eyebrow. Leonard hardly noticed Jim slide from his arms and dash into is office.  
“School field trip?” Spock echoed.  
“Um…learning experience…out in space.” Leonard gestured and winced. “You can see that I’m a…a human, and ah…there aren’t other Vulcans around…this is uh…well courtesy of your mother.” He instantly felt like shit, shit because he mentioned Spock’s damned and now very much dead mother. He closed his eyes and breathed.  
“My mother?” Spock echoed again. “May I inquire how this is a learning experience?”  
“Courtesy of your mother, yes, and Starfleet. You can get a feel of how it is to be an officer.” Leonard explained. Spock only dipped his head. He looked down at his clothing and cocked an eyebrow but asked no further questions. Leonard breathed. Damn transporter.   
“Where the fuck is Kirk?” Leonard asked suddenly, realizing that the Captain was no longer in his arms. “Watch him.” Leonard growled at Christine. She nodded and looked over at Spock, smiling.   
Leonard stormed into his office, knowing that the small Captain was in there because the door was ajar. Sure enough, Jim was standing on his desk, beakers of an assortment of different liquids were spilt all over the floor, his PADD was tilted dangerously over the edge of the desk, and Jim was gripping a bottle of nothing other than Romulan Ale.   
The Doctor froze. The bottle was open, Jim looked woozy, and Leonard was mentally smacking himself and saying how it was a good thing he didn’t raise Joanna. God knows how she would’ve turned out then.  
Leonard made a mad dash for the swaying toddler, scooping him up just before he stumbled off the edge of the desk. The bottle of Romulan Ale was no quite so fortunate and crashed onto the desk. Glass shattered and flew everywhere, blue liquid splashed all over his tri-viewer and onto his PADD, which promptly clattered to the floor, and the ale went all over the walls and mixed with the liquids on the floor.   
“Fuck my life.” Leonard groaned as he dropped Jim, who landed with an ‘oof’ on the floor. He hated this, this was not his job. God dammit, he was a doctor, not a babysitter!   
Groaning, he left the office only to find Christine looking very dazed, Spock’s blue uniform shirt strewn on the floor, and the cupboard where spare clothes were kept was open. Oh, and Spock was gone.  
“What happened?” Leonard asked. He heard Jim scurry out of his office, tripping over his own feet, and looking very sick. Christine slowly picked herself up off the floor that she had been kneeling on.  
“Spock seemed to know you were lying, Doctor.” She said weakly. “He preformed the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on me.”   
“God dammit! Fucking Spock, that tiny, pointy eared bastard.” He whirled around to face Jim. “You aren’t much better.” He said. Just then, Jim decided that he needed to throw-up, and all over Leonard’s feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it and had a laugh or two. I know McCoy was a little OOC, but that is only because he's dealing with children, something out of his comfort zone I suspect. Part 2 up maybe later today.


	3. Baby Sitter PT 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of Baby Sitter which follows the previous chapter. There will only be one more chapter after this one for Baby Sitter, then onto new territories! I do not own Star Trek, this work is unbetaed and the only warnings are swearing.

Babysitter Part 2

After cleaning up the puke, and a lengthy explanation to Nurse Chapel, Leonard was rushing out of Sickbay in pursuit of one, green blooded hybrid. Christine was watching and trying to sober five year old Jim up, who was miserably laying on his back on a biobed wrapped in about a thousand blankets and his makeshift dress.  
Apparently, right after Leonard went after Jim, Spock did some Vulcan ninja move, knocked out Christine, put his command shirt on and managed to find a spare pair of pants small enough to fit him. Then, he went AWOL. And Leonard thought that Spock was going to be the easy one.   
Leonard glanced around the corner meeting the eyes of Uhura who was talking with Ensign Renee. As soon as she saw him, she bid the Ensign a quick farewell and scuttled down the hall away from him. Leonard swore and speed walked to catch up.  
“Trouble?” She asked once she realized evading the Doctor was impossible. Leonard snorted.  
“Trouble!? Yes, there’s been trouble. Do you even know how difficult Jim is? He got drunk.”  
“Drunk?” Uhura asked, not really that surprised.   
“Broke into my alcohol cabinet and went straight for the good stuff.”  
“Romulan Ale? At least he got his priorities straight.” Uhura chuckled. “So, what do you need me for?”  
“You…I need you to help Christine with Jim, god knows what he’ll do to get away.” Leonard shook his finger at her.   
“What about you, and what makes you think that I can just go drop everything and help with Jim?”  
“One, there’s no superior officer bossing you around and two, I’m looking for Spock. The hobgoblin didn’t bite the bit.” Leonard groaned. Since when did his life succumb to this?  
Uhura put her fist against her mouth, trying to hide her laughter. The good doctor was clearly frustrated and pissed off.  
“What are you laughing about?” Leonard growled, glowering at her.  
“Hm? Oh, nothing. I’ll just scoot down to Sickbay then. Good luck with Spock.” She skipped away leaving Leonard steaming with anger. Why the hell did people think this was funny?  
~  
“Kirk!” Christine cried as the toddler knocked over PADD. She rushed after him, her blond hair askew and dress shoulder slipping off of one shoulder. She dove for him right as he ducked under a table and stuck his tongue out at her.  
“Leave me alone!” Jim cried as he crawled a safe distance away from his would-be captor.   
“You have to do what I say.” The nurse explained breathlessly. She kneeled by the table and buried her head in her hands, vowing that she would never have children.   
“I do what I want!” Jim shouted back before smirking as her and diving for the nearest table. Christine howled with impatience as she scrambled after the child, but he was already ducking under another table.  
“Clearly, you’re drunk!” Christine yelled at the five year old. Jim peeked out from behind the leg of a table.  
“Not really.” He said snidely. The nurse flung her hands in the air and leaned backwards, rocking on her heels.   
“Whatever. I didn’t sign up for this shit.” It was then that Uhura strode into   
Sickbay and smiled at the flushed nurse. Christine glared. “Did Doctor McCoy finally send some assistance? It’s Jim, for Christ sake!” She flung her hands in the air. “I need a drink.” Christine was gone before Uhura even had time to react.   
“Alright then.” Uhura twitched her eyebrow and glanced around for the troublemaker. She spotted a smug looking Jim hiding beneath table and she smiled. “Are you hungry?” She asked sweetly. Jim narrowed his eyes.  
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Jim smirked and Uhura just rolled her eyes. Some things never change.  
~  
“Spock…Spock…” Leonard crept down the hall, peeking into recreation rooms hoping to see the Vulcan playing a game of chess by himself. “Hey Spock…you green blooded bitch, where are you?” Leonard kept his voice pleasant even though he was angrier than a bull.  
He was almost at the end of the corridor when a slight clang of something caught his attention. He backed up to the last rec room and peeked inside. A king was rolling on the floor and the chair was spinning. Leonard smirked.   
“Spock…” He crept inside the room and shut it behind him. The hybrid was nowhere to be seen. Leonard glanced around and peeked under a table. Not there. He stood and planted his hands of his hips and frowned. A flash of blue dashed towards him, and before Leonard could react, the flash ducked between his legs and out the door. Leonard swore loudly and spun on his heel, racing after Spock.  
“Where’s the fucking logic in this, Spock?!” Leonard screeched after the running ball of blue. A tiny face peered back over his shoulder at Leonard, but kept running. Leonard was pretty sure people were staring, and he even saw one or two reach out to snatch Spock, but the Vulcan was a weasel. He dodged hands and jumped over feet that threatened to trip him. The little bugger was fast as hell too. Leonard figured it must be a Vulcan thing.  
Spock was looking over his shoulder, feet moving so fast they were pretty much a blur, didn’t see the Scottish man step in his way. He slammed into the body and fell backwards with a loud ‘oof’. Scotty shook his head and bent down, scooping the struggling Vulcan into his arms.  
“Commander, calm down!” Scotty said as the child wiggled in his arms. Spock stilled.  
“I must rewest –request- that you return me to the ground.” Spock said. Leonard and Scotty both caught the stumble. Scotty smiled at the kid but Leonard only rolled his eyes.   
“No can do, Little Spock.” Scotty bounced the toddler for a moment.  
“Give em’ to me.” Leonard snapped and reached for the kid. Scotty looked doubtful, but gave Spock over to the doctor who grappled for a moment with the unnaturally strong five year old. Spock pushed against the doctor’s chest.  
“My father will not stand for my capture. He will pay the ransom.” Spock said, calming himself. Leonard was shocked, to say the least. Did Spock think he was abducted. Obviously.  
“Spock…we didn't kidnap you! Why on heaven and earth and all these other damned planets made you think that?” Leonard asked, looking the small Vulcan dead in the eye.  
“It has accord –occurred- once before.” Spock stated. Leonard frowned.  
“Has it now?”  
“I am the only son of an ambassador, as well as the only human Vulcan hybrid in existence.”   
“You don’t say…” Leonard scratched his chin, but kept a firm hold on Spock. “Listen, we did not kidnap you.” He gently positioned the calmer Spock on his hip, grimacing as he did so, waved goodbye to Scotty and took off to Sickbay. “If you promise not to tell Jim, I’ll let you in on a little secret.”   
“Jim? The blond human boy?” Spock tilted his head to one side, considering Leonard’s offer. “Affirmative.”  
“You’re a Starfleet officer, you and Jim –the Captain of this vessel- beamed down to the planet’s surface, something went wrong with the transporter, and you beamed back up as children. Apparently, your memory also resorted back.” Leonard explained. Spock didn’t react, but simply thought it over.  
“In theory, it is possible to reverse the aging of cells to change physical appearance…so age, but mentally…I am unsure about the process that would reverse someone’s memory along with their body. It is a pliable explanation.” Spock offered. Leonard shook his head, baffled at Spock’s mental capacities at this age. Of course he knew Vulcan’s underwent vigorous mental training as children, and the training continued well into adolescence and even adulthood, but still.   
“Um, it’s probably a bit more than pliable, Spock.” Leonard said as he walked into Sickbay. He really should have been surprised, honestly, but he wasn't. It was unfortunate too, a little shock might do him good. It was also very disconcerting, and very, very sad that Leonard wasn't surprised. It showed just how far gone he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bones was probably OOC, again, but I hope you still liked it. Next chapter up tomorrow or Wednesday.


	4. Baby Sitter PT 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, geez, it has been a while, hasn't it? Okay, I really don't have any excuse whatsoever, so I owe anyone reading an apology. I want to try and update more often, but I lost my muse for a while. Anyway, I wrote part 3, and I worked for quite a while so I hope you all enjoy it. Um, warnings for this chapter are only swearing, this is highly unedited (I don't have time right now to read through it), and I do not own any of the characters seen here. Oh, I suck at writing for accents, so I probably failed at Scotty's, but whatever, use your imagination. Enjoy~

Babysitter Part 3

Leonard rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, wishing the scene in front of him would just disappear. But no, the image of kid Kirk dancing on a biobed clad in nothing more than white underwear was seared into his memory for life. The blond haired kid ducked low like a professional, Leonard groaned and covered Spock’s eyes and Uhura sniggered in the corner, unaware of Spock and McCoy’s presence.  
“Lieutenant, would you mind explaining why Kirk is doing a strip tease on one of my biobeds!” Leonard hissed angrily as he eyed the discarded command shirt lying on the floor.  
“Doctor…” Uhura was slightly taken aback at first, but she swiftly recovered. “Jim is a natural.” She laughed quietly so not to interrupt Jim’s energizing dance.  
“This is because he is drunk, right?” Leonard asked, wincing as the toddler tried to do a split ‘on stage’.  
“No, he sobered up after he threw up.” Uhura said. Spock slowly reached up and peeled Leonard’s fingers away from his eyes. Once seeing the sight, Spock looked about as shocked as a Vulcan child could be, which basically meant he twitched an eyebrow and turned away so he was practically burying his face in Leonard’s shoulder.  
“Hey, Leo!” Jim called as he jiggled his hips, a big smile plastered across his red and perspiring face. Leonard rolled his eyes to look at his friend.  
“Good god, man.” Leonard snapped at the kid who only giggled and continued shaking his hips and humming. “Get Scotty the fuck up here.” The doctor ordered. Uhura’s shook her head.  
“Oh..no, I’m not missing this. I have camera’s recording it, but I don’t want to miss a moment.” She glanced at Spock squirming in Leonard’s arms. “Give him to me and you go get Scotty.” She took the Vulcan gently from the doctor’s arms and sat him on her lap. Spock watched the illogical human ‘shake what his mama gave him’ on the biobed before turning away and listing all the elements of the periodic table in his head.  
“I’m getting this shit figured out.” Leonard said as he jabbed a finger at Jim. “I did not sign up to deal with this. Scotty is going to figure out just what the fuck happened, reverse it, and then I am going to get drunk and blackmail Spock and Kirk with this and make their life a living hell because I’m CMO, god dammit!” Leonard stormed out of Sickbay, mumbling about how he would totally use hyposprays on both the little twerps if he wouldn’t have to face repercussions later on.  
The trip to the Engineering level was normal compared to what he’d witnessed today. A few people stopped him in the hallway and asked him about the Captain and Commander, but other than that it was uneventful.  
McCoy burst into Engineering, fuming and exasperated. “Scotty!” He called out as he stormed through the deck. Red shirts scurried out of his way, watching as the infuriated doctor scored the area for the chief engineer.  
“Doctor?” Scotty asked, peeking his head from around one of the engines. He was wiping his greasy hands on a rag.  
“Scotty…” Leonard began, voice dangerously low, “Have you even been trying to find a solution to our…little problem?” He crossed his arms as he watched the engineer’s face. Scotty tossed the rag aside and smoothed down the front of his shirt.  
“Um, aye, Sir.” He shook his head. “The solution escapes me though.” Leonard clenched his jaw, fighting to keep his patience.  
“Seriously? You, the man who came up with the theory of transwarp beaming, cannot reverse a simple transporter accident?”  
“Doctor, it ain’t nothin’ simple. I haven’t seen nothing like it. I didn’t think cell regeneration was even possible, let alone that a transporter could do it.”  
“Cellular regeneration has been up in the air forever. You know how the transporters work better than anyone in Star Fleet. Now figure this out!” Leonard jabbed a finger at Scotty’s chest before grabbing his sleeve and dragging him back to Sickbay.  
Fortunately, Jim was no longer dancing on the biobed. Unfortunately, he was still dressed in too big underwear and he was arguing with Spock, who didn’t look half as ruffled as Jim. Uhura was relaxing on a biobed looking through her PADD. Leonard confirmed his growing notion that he was the only person on board who have a fuck about what happened to Jim and Spock.  
“Human, you do not understand the complexities of the atom, not even in the basest definition.” Spock said, irritation growing in his voice.  
“I do too! Atoms are the…the foundation of everything.”  
“How do they tie into the periodic table?”  
“They um-“  
“The number of protons in an element’s atoms is what determines the atomic numbers of the element. The sum of the protons and neutrons determine the atomic mass of each element.”  
“Sorry, I don’t speak Vulcan.” Jim said with an air of superiority. Leonard bit back a scoff. Scotty laughed.  
“They haven’t changed a bit.” He said with a sigh. Uhura glanced up at the sound of his voice. She slid off the biobed and walked over to them.  
“Ready to age them again?” She glanced almost mournfully over her shoulder at them. “I think I’m going to miss them being small and cute.” She pouted. Scotty shuffled his feet.  
“Lass, I’m going to try and turn them back. No promises.”  
“You’d better turn them back.” Leonard warned as he approached the children. They both quieted and turned to look at him. He reached down and scooped Jim up. The child gave little complaint, for once. Uhura trotted over and swept Spock into her arms so she cradled him. The Vulcan seemed unimpressed.  
The trio headed down to the transporter room, Leonard threatening to use a hypospray on Scotty the whole way down if he didn’t reverse this disastrous event.  
“I have a theory.” Scotty announced as they walked into the transporter room. Uhura and Leonard dropped their toddlers off on separate transporter pads. They shared a look of confusion as the adults backed away.  
“What is that?” Leonard asked.  
“If we can recreate the circumstances that happened when they got changed into children, with a few alterations, we could probably reverse the effect. Of course, it’s only theoretical.” Scotty explained as he knelt down to open the control panel to the transporter. He fiddled with a few wires as Leonard processed the theory.  
“Well, fucking recreate it then! It’s just as good as an idea as any.”  
“Aye, Sir.” Scotty said. The wires he was fiddling with sparked slightly. “Oh…this wire was loose.” He winced as he secured it in place. Leonard gave him a death glare. Uhura made sure the two kids didn’t come tumbled off of the transporter.  
After a few moments, Scotty seemed to have altered the transporter to his requirements. He straightened and shut the panel, studying the toddlers for a minute. “Okay, I think we can try now.” He said as he rubbed his hands together. He carefully adjusted the sliders so it made a faint whining sound. Spock and Kirk’s forms fizzled on the transporter before disappearing completely.  
“Where’d they go?” Leonard asked, peering at the empty space around the transporter.  
“I still have em’, Imma just letting the effect reverse itself.” He waited for a few more tense seconds before he adjusted the sliders again. McCoy could’ve kissed Scotty for getting it right.  
Both adult bodies of James Kirk and Spock appeared on their respective transporter pads. They both looked slightly disoriented, Kirk more so than Spock, as their atoms completely settled again.  
“There you go, Scotty!” Leonard smiled and clapped the Scottish man on the back. He smiled. Leonard thought he’d never be quite so happy to see normal Jim and Spock again.  
“What happened?” Jim asked as he stumbled off of the transporter. Uhura smirked at the fact that he was still dressed in just his underwear. Spock was wearing his blue uniform shirt, and the same pants he’d taken from Sickbay earlier. They were a great deal tighter now, but they still served their purpose.  
“You were deaged to children.” Leonard explained lightly, like it was no big deal. It was then that Jim noticed his state of undress. He looked down at his bare body, raised an eyebrow like Spock, and smirked.  
“I was always a wild one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! I think the next chapter will be 'Dammit, I'm A Doctor Not A Couples Therapist!' I only got that idea from Two and A Half Men reruns on T.V right now. I think I could work with it though. Hopefully, it'll be up before Sunday. Oh, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (for those of you that celebrate it), and I'm going to try and write a Thanksgiving Special one after the couple therapist one. I'll also work on a Christmas Special for when the time rolls around. I would do a Hanukkah one, because I am accepting of all religions, but I don't really know anything about Hanukkah :( I'm not even religious actually (I'm an atheist), but I still celebrate Christmas. Okay, I don't really know why I'm ranting, just tired I guess. Anyway, please review!  
> P.S: I think all my scientific facts were correct, but I'm not majoring in chemistry, or anything atomic at all, so I'm not sure. My focus is genetics and some physics.


	5. Author's Note, Dont Get Too Excited

So, I know I haven't been updating, but honestly between school, my social life, and the holidays, I've just been swamped. I have this essay I have to do, I still haven't got any of my Christmas shopping done, I mean, thank god for my month long Christmas vacation. I just wanted to thank everyone who has read this, or some of it, and those of your who are or plan to stick with it. I am going to keep writing it, but for now I think I got to put it on hold. I'll get back to it just as soon as I possibly can, because I have so much fun writing it and reading your reviews. I just don't want to write the next chapter in like, thirty minutes, and have it be a total piece of crap. So, thanks again and please keep reading once I get the chance to update. Reviews give me those pleasant butterflies in my stomach. :)


	6. Couple's Therapist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look, I finally got a chapter done! I managed to churn this out between writing my paper and Christmas shopping. I don't think it's quite as funny, but I hope you have a few giggles. This is unbetaed, as per usual, and I own nothing Star Trek although I keep on praying. Kathy is a character I completely made up, by the way, and she is just mentioned. Hope you enjoy! Warnings are just swearing.

Couple’s Therapist  
It was a sad, Romulan Ale filled day when Leonard found out about the not-so-professional relationship between his best friend and captain, Jim Kirk, and that pointy-eared bastard Spock. It wasn’t the fact that Jim was now, by all means, gay (homophobia had nearly died out years ago and Leonard always knew Jim was bisexual), or even the fact that he was dating his First Officer. No, it was the fact that that First Officer was Spock. Any other man (or woman) would have made Leonard ecstatic, at least on the inside for he wanted Jim to be happy, but Spock…it wasn’t working for him.  
“Jim, when I said for you to get yourself a girlfriend or boyfriend, I didn’t mean Spock.” Leonard scowled as he and Jim walked down the corridor. Jim didn’t seem to be as cheerful today, and was therefore irritated by the scorn thick in Leonard’s voice.  
“What’s so wrong with him, Bones? I mean, he’s a Vulcan, but so what?” Jim nearly snapped. Leonard groaned internally. So protectiveness came with getting some, did it?  
“And he’s annoying, ‘superior’, and treats everyone like they’re gunk on the bottom of his shoe.” He said coolly. It wasn’t an over exaggeration, not really. Spock made it abundantly clear that he was ‘untouchable’ or whatever and gave off vibes of ‘Keep Back: Contents Under Pressure’.   
“No, he’s not like that. You just see a Devil whenever you look at him.” Jim scowled, a rare sight on his face, and waited for the turbolift to arrive, pointedly keeping his back turned to the doctor. Leonard sighed, relenting slightly. He didn’t want to hurt Jim, but he also didn’t want Spock to hurt him. Despite all of his Vulcan logic, Spock could be a bit of flight risk. Not in the sense that he would just quit his job or leave a relationship on a whim, but as in his definition of what was logical and what wasn’t seemed to change without so much as a moment’s notice. Right now, dating Jim might be a-okay with his logic, but a week from now, he could wake up and say ‘what on heaven and Earth is logical about a gay relationship. A gay couple cannot procreate; therefore it is illogical for me to continue this courtship’. Leonard just didn’t want Jim to get his heart broken. Despite being one of the biggest playboys he’s ever known, Leonard knew Jim could fall hard. He’s seen it before, with Kathy back at the academy. The bitch ended up ripping his beating heart out, and it nearly crushed him. He was almost kicked out of the academy for showing up to class drunk everyday and smoking pot and God knows what else behind the main building. Leonard didn’t want to know what would happen if his heart broke now.  
“Jim, he’s a Vulcan. He doesn’t understand the complexities of human emotions. It’s the very fabric of our existence and well, he doesn’t understand them.” Leonard said, applauding himself at his insightfulness.   
“I think he does. You think, and everyone else for that matter, him ignorant. Do you not remember when he got so pissed that he bent me over the navigational console and tried to strangle the life out of me?”  
“That’s your defense?” Leonard snorted in disbelief. “Honestly, Jim, that doesn’t make me approve any more.”  
“I don’t need your approval.” Jim said quietly as he stepped into the turbolift, leaving Leonard stunned in the corridor.  
~  
“Fuck Spock.” Jim growled as he paced in Sickbay, hands tangling in his hair. Leonard was leaning casually against one of the biobeds, watching his irate friend stew. The nurses had cleared out after Jim came barging in, spitting out profanities.   
“He’s fucking bastard. You even know what he did, Bones? God, bitch.” He was visibly shaking, probably with anger. Leonard twitched an eyebrow.   
“Told you so.” He shouldn’t have said it, but he reached that point in his lift when his brain went from ‘you probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘aw, what the hell. Let’s see what happens’.   
“Thanks, Bones. Really supportive.” Jim scoffed. He finally calmed down enough to face his friend. “Are you even going to ask what happened?”  
“I think I have a pretty good idea.”  
“Do you now? Well. What should I do about it then? I mean Bones…I think I love him.” Jim sighed and flopped down in one of the chairs, burying his face in his hands. Leonard felt his heart sink. Of course the kid loved Spock. He, personally, didn’t see it, but from what he’s heard, everyone pretty much loves Spock. Christopher Pike saw him as a fucking protégé, which Leonard supposed he kind of was, Chekov looked up to him like a mentor and big brother, Uhura probably had bouts of jealousy when she saw Jim and Spock together (if gossip from Christine was anything to go by), and back at the academy, Leonard didn’t miss the googly eyes female (and some male) cadets gave him *ahem* Gaila *ahem*.   
“I don’t know, Jim.” Leonard sighed, exasperated. What was he going to say? “I’m not that kind of doctor, Jim.”  
“I know.” Jim said so quietly that Leonard had to strain to hear him. It didn’t help that his voice was muffled through his hands. Jim lifted his head and Leonard swore he saw the faintest shimmer of tears in his blue eyes. “I just, don’t know what to do. I mean, he kills me, Bones.”   
“Fuck, I don’t know! Dammit, I’m a doctor, not a couple’s therapist.” He hissed. He wished, silently of course, he was more adept in this romantic stuff, but he simply wasn’t. Hell, he was divorced. Clearly something went wrong there. He’d never been much of a boyfriend either. He didn’t talk emotions, he wasn’t overly found of movies or restaurants, and he was older. Not old, not yet anyway, but older than the majority of the crew, besides maybe M’Benga and Scotty.  
“I just…I can’t take it. It breaks my heart, the things he says. Does he actually think that? What is logical about any of it?” Jim leaned back in the chair, and started playing with the collar of his gold command shirt. Leonard shrugged.  
“Jim, Spock changes his mind a lot, I mean, more than a logical Vulcan logically should. I know what heart break feels like-“ Leonard tried, but Jim cut him off.  
“Heart break? Bones, what the hell are you talking about?”   
“Spock…broke up with you, didn’t he?” Leonard asked, eyeing his friend, now efficiently confused. Jim let out a happy bark of laughter and amusement.  
“No, he didn’t. I’m just sick of him belittling himself all the time. He can say some awfully degrading things about himself.” Jim continued to chuckle while Leonard attempted to hide the blush growing on his face. Of course. Shit like this always happened. Of fucking course. He could never just be right, could he? Growling with anger at Jim’s amused chuckles, he pushed himself away from the biobed and stalked out of Sickbay.   
“Wait, Bones!” Jim called after him. Leonard only shook his head and pushed onward, ignoring the dimming sounds of Jim’s calls. Fucking blonde playboy captain with his fucking stupid, self-loathing hybrid Vulcan. Damn them all to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I'll work periodically on this, I don't plan on taking it off hold until after the holidays and I can try and write a bit more regularly. Again, I hope you liked it and please review! They make my day and encourage me to finish that damn paper.


	7. Match Maker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Very mild swearing, brief mention of pedophilia  
> Notes: So I finally got around to posting another chapter and I hope to start updating more regularly. I have another chapter written already, but it's on my computer and that's in the shop (I'm on my IPad right now)  
> Enjoy!

Match Maker

"He's seventeen," Leonard said bluntly as he stared at the man of Asian descent across the mess hall table. Hikaru Sulu twiddled his thumbs together and mumbled something so Leonard had to learn forward to hear.

"Dammit, man, speak up!" The doctor growled at the young man. Sulu blushed fiercely and repeated himself.

"He asked _me_ ," Sulu said indigently. "And I turned him down _because_ he's seventeen. But...if he wants this relationship as much as I do..." Leonard sighed and rolled his eyes. Young people these days and their fanciful delusions of love. 

"It's pedophilia, even if the younger member is consenting. I'd say wait until he's eighteen." Leonard could see, as easily as everyone, the appeal in Pavel Chekov. He was young, dirty blond hair that curled right by his ears, big, eager eyes, submissive and small. But he was a kid, still legally considered a child, and Leonard couldn't stop the shudders he got when he thought of him and Sulu together, even though they were only a few years apart. 

"Yeah..." Sulu sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck. "I guess I should just...go." The pilot slowly stood up and hurried out of the mess hall. Leonard picked at his salad with his fork as he stared after the young man. It wasn't really his place to say whom could date whom, and if Chekov wanted to date Sulu that was no ones business besides his (and maybe the Admiralty, because they were nosy sons of a bitches). Leonard took a sip of his water. If they waited until they were eighteen, the doctor would be much more pleased with them, but if they never dated, that was just as well.  
-  
A year wasn't as long as it sounded. 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days, and some uncounted amount of hours and minutes. And kids, like the seasons, changed so fast. Before Leonard even realized that a fifth of the Enterprise's mission was already done, they were throwing Chekov a big eighteenth birthday party in the mess hall. 

And Leonard, somewhere along the line, realized that he started to see Chekov as almost a kid of his own and seeing him turn _eighteen_...

Of course, it was about ten minutes after everyone jumped out of their hiding places and practically gave poor Chekov a heart attack that Sulu wandered up to him, seeming disoriented. His hands were clasped together at his belly button, thumbs twirling nervously together. Leonard was leaning against the bar, sipping at his third glass of Romulan Ale, yet he couldn't seem to get drunk. 

"Hey, Leonard? Could I talk to you for a second?" Sulu asked nervously. Leonard huffed. 

"We're talking right now, aren't we?" He bit out more sharply than he intended. The man jumped and nodded hurriedly. 

"Well, um, you see...I kind of need your help with something. Remember when I told you that Chekov and I were kind of...." He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Romantically inclined but not actually doing anything? I do." 

"Um, yeah. Well, see, you've grown pretty close to him in the past year and well...I was wondering if you could, you know, put in a good word for me?" The young pilot looked hopeful, but more nervous than a show horse in the arena for the first time. 

"Dammit man, I'm a doctor not a match maker! Go solve your own relationship problems." Leonard grumbled and swept his glass off of the bar, stalking away. Why did these people think he was on this damned ship for anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R if you thought it was somewhat humorous!


	8. Feminist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had more free time on my hands, so I conjured a little chapter!

Feminist

"Do you not think the regulation length of skirts is absurd?" Nyota Uhura asked, her voice authoritative with quiet rage buried beneath it. The small recreation room was filled to the brim with mostly senior officers, and a few select ensigns. Nyota was a woman of a legendary temper, and even now, with her hair pulled back into a restricting pony tail and wearing nothing but black slacks and a tight black t-shirt, looked dangerous. 

"Do you not think it's degrading?" She went on to continue, passionately. Leonard watched from the front row, sandwiched between Jim and Chekov. Frankly, the length of the females' skirts had nothing to do with him, and he had better things to do. Like smuggling Romulan Ale into his office and restocking his secret stash. But Nyota had gotten a 'go-ahead' from the Admiralty to hold a protest of sorts. It sounded a lot more like the 'I Have A Dream' speech to Leonard. 

But instead of advocating for black rights, Nyota was advocating for women's rights. Leonard found the whole thing somewhat ridiculous, given the fact that it wasn't against Starfleet rules (specifically, at least) for female crew members to wear pants, or longer skirts. However, it was more mainstream to simply wear the uniform provided. 

"I urge you all to sign my petition to get the regulation skirt length changed to a more appropriate length," Nyota finished strongly. She thanked the audience for their time and stepped off the stage as the crowd began to disperse. She made her way over to Jim, Leonard, Spock, and Chekov. 

"I thought you didn't have a problem flashing your legs," Jim greeted as she smoothed out her pants, sitting down besides Chekov. She leaned over Leonard and Pavel to talk to him.

" _I_ don't," Nyota explained patiently, with just the slightest hint of superiority. "Others do, though. And it's the thought that counts. Having the choice to wear a longer skirt and not be stared at funny is whats important. I want to show off my legs, but...Yeoman Darcy might not. See where I'm going with this?"

"Yes, you're the voice of many," Jim teased, gesturing with his hands for effect. Nyota snorted. 

"Spock, do you think the regulation length of skirts should be changed?" She asked, looking pointedly at the Vulcan. Spock turned his onyx eyes to gaze almost thoughtfully at his ex-lover. 

"It is illogical to be displeased with one's attire, so long as it covers the appropriate areas. However, it is also illogical to restrict a certain sex to a certain uniform, and to set a limit on the length of aforementioned uniform." Spock blatantly avoided the question, causing Nyota to roll her eyes.

"Thanks for your neutral response, Spock," Nyota said dryly. She turned her eyes to Chekov. "And what about you?" 

[A/N: I cannot write Chekov's accent for the life of me. Bear with me]

"I...I zink zhat zhe female should be allowed to vear vhatever zey vant." Chekov stuttered, blushing. Leonard grunted. Damn children and their lack of an opinion. When Chekov was older, he'd understand the importance behind establishing an opinion and sticking with it. Leonard had his opinions, and no one ever spoke to him about his sharp, highly opinionated tongue. Why? Because he was older than the majority of the crew, dammit, and he was entitled to cursing and drinking and snapping at superiors when they did something he considered foolhardy and reckless.

"And you, Leonard?" Nyota asked. Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, cold and threatening. Leonard had that voice used on him a great number of times in the days leading up to his divorce. It was a tone he'd rather spare his ears of hearing again.

He heaved himself up and fixed Uhura with his legendary stink eye. "Dammit, woman! I'm a doctor, not a feminist! Take your problems else where and quit distracting me from more important matters!" Leonard huffed and scowled. His friends were all silent, watching him with the looks of whipped puppies. Even the ones he hadn't been yelling at. Spock, at the end of the row, even looked mildly uncomfortable.

Leonard damned them all internally and stormed out of the rec room. He was so done with this equal rights shit. It wasn't worth it any more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R! This chapter was slightly difficult for me.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Suggestions are highly welcomed and I also love a good review.


End file.
